Mario's Next Adventure
by Spoofmaster
Summary: Very offensive, but funny if you have a sick scense of humor. Not for children or those easily offended.
1. An Average Evening at Home

Mario's Next Adventure  
  
  
  
Okay, here is my second fanfiction I have ever written. I have co-written it with my brother, MysticButtCrystal, and it is perhaps the nastiest thing I will ever write. This is not for younger audiences, nor is it for those who will be offended by the warping of beloved video game characters into horrible things. We do not own Mario, or any of the other characters in this story, and we do not gain any profit from this, and Nintendo has not approved of this story. We do, however, own several delicious muffins, but you can't have them. And now for Chapter One.  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 1  
  
An Average Evening At Home  
  
Mario was relaxing in his beach house, sipping a beer. He remembered the day he had liberated the beach house from its previous occupant. Before that day, if you had told Mario you could kill someone with tin foil, he would have laughed at them. Now, though..   
  
He looked over at the Shine in his right hand. It was so.shiny, and warm. It made him feel so comfortable to hold it. A thought formed in his mind. After looking around, Mario slowly loosened his belt, and slipped the Shine into his underwear.  
  
"Mmmmm..warm." he thought, as the Shine spread happiness throughout his body. Suddenly, Peach burst in. "Oh, great," he thought, "The stupid bitch probably wants something. Maybe she'll get kidnapped again, and I won't have to deal with her shit any more. The only reason I put up with her crap is because of all the money."  
  
"Mario.why is your crotch so bulgy? And why is it glowing?!"  
  
"Uhhh.uhhhh.uhhh.El Nino?" he offered.  
  
"Mario, what have you stuck down your pants now?!"  
  
"Nothing! Mmmm.Shine Get.."  
  
"What did you say?!"  
  
"I said mind your own business, ho!"  
  
"Is that a Shine in there?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
Suddenly, disgusted with its unholy confinement, the Shine burst from his pants, and flew through the window, breaking the glass. It bounded away through the ocean, trying desperately to wash itself as it went.  
  
"God damn it," said Mario, "That was my last pair of pants. Now what am I gunna wear?!" He gazed over his now-exposed mountain of a beer belly, and leaned upwards to look over it at his diminutive nuts.  
  
"I think they're sunburned," he commented, and flopped back down on his back, neither upset nor surprised.  
  
"I'm going out tonight," announced Peach, fixing him with that loathsome gaze he so often saw from her.  
  
"Yeah, whatever, bitch, have a good time, while I sit here, writhing in agonizing nut-pain."  
  
"Oh, honestly, it's not like it's the first time you've done that to yourself."  
  
"But it was the first time I used a Shine! How was I to know?!"  
  
"Maybe the way that they're tiny little sun pixies or something," mocked Peach, "Anyways, like I said, I'm going out. Try to find some pants or something while I'm gone. It's enough to make a girl a nun!"  
  
With that, Peach ran out the door, her umbrella thoughtlessly left behind. She traveled up the beach, to a local bar, where she had promised to meet him. She sat down to have a drink while she waited.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Oooo, who is he? Is Peach cheating on Mario? Will Mario ever put on some pants? Find out all this and more than you ever wanted to know in the next chapter! 


	2. Just a Sweet Transvestite from the Mushr...

Disclaimer: We still don't own Mario or any other characters, and we still do own some muffins, and YOU STILL CAN'T HAVE THEM!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Just a Sweet Transvestite from the Mushroom Kingdom  
  
  
  
Mario began slowly to think. It was hard on him, and it took a long time, but he kept at it, and a thought slowly formed.  
  
"What if she's cheating on me with Luigi again?" he wondered, "Then he'll be getting the money!"  
  
Mario started to think again, which prompted a trip to the toilet, and five glasses of water. Finally, he had another idea.  
  
"Maybe I can use her umbrella as an excuse to follow after her!" He cried to the ceiling. "And then, when I find that no-good shithead brother of mine giving her a ride on the Tower of Power, I can just rip off his nads with a wrench, and all will be solved!"  
  
So, Mario got up and went to his bedroom to change his pants.  
  
"I'll just wear some of my dirty pants," he thought, while searching for his semen-coated trousers. "Where are my pants?!" he cried. Then he realized that those damn toads must have taken his pants somewhere to be cleaned. Damn he hated those toads. He remembered the New Year's party the year before, when he had gotten piss drunk and thought he could get high off one of them. He never thought someone's head could bleed so much. Oh well. One less of the little bastards in the world. Then he decided to use one of the toads' pants.  
  
After rooting around in their room, he was able to find a pair of pants. "Ah," he thought, "Now I'll be able to go after Peach!" Suddenly, the toad whose pants he had taken burst into the room.  
  
"What are you doing with my pants, Mario?!" the toad cried in its shrill voice.  
  
"I'm gunna borrow your pants," he said, pulling them up, ripping them in half in the process. "Why are you so damn small?!" he screamed, "Why can't you be bigger, so your pants would be more useful?!"  
  
"Because not everybody can be a big, fat, stupid sack of shit like you, Mario!" it yelled. "I don't even know why I love you!" With that, it ran out of the room, crying.  
  
"Little shit," muttered Mario, "Stupid gay little shit."  
  
Mario was suddenly very aware of his problem. He needed something to cover his yarbles, but there were no worthwhile pants in the house. Then he realized the solution. Peach had lots of dresses. Dresses were kind of like pants!  
  
Several minutes later, after cutting the lock off the door, he stepped into Peach's room. He made his way to the closet, and selected one of the twenty or so identical pink gowns. He slipped it over his head, and stood back to admire himself in the mirror.  
  
"Not bad," said Mario out loud, "Not bad at all. I could almost get past the mustache and screw myself."  
  
With that, he began to leave. However, he noticed the large spot on the front of the dress, where he had made a mess with his winky. He shrugged, and got another dress.  
  
Sixteen dresses, five bras, and twelve pairs of panties later, he was finally done. He smiled at himself, and prepared to leave the house.  
  
As he walked towards the door, Toadsworth came in, whining about his glasses. Suddenly, he looked up.  
  
"Why, Princess Peach, you can't go out like that! You aren't even properly made up!"  
  
Toadsworth took Mario by the hand, and led him back to Peach's room. Mario was immediately glad that he had hidden the evidence of all he had done under the bed. Toadsworth then began to "make-up" Mario. Mario was displeased, but remembered that Toadsworth had once said that if he ever caught Mario in Peach's room again, he would take him out and shoot him. That was about the same time Peach had put the lock on her door. Mario personally didn't see what the big deal was; it was only a dildo. But, he knew that he should keep his mouth shut for his own safety, and hope Toadsworth didn't find his glasses.  
  
"What's this fuzzy stuff under your nose, Peach?" asked Toadsworth, shaking Mario out of his memories.  
  
"That's-"he began, but realized his mistake, and started over, speaking in a terrible impression of Peach's voice. "That's.uhhhh.a ferret?" he offered.  
  
"But Peach.you don't have to lie.I know about your condition. It's okay. We'll shave it off. No one has to know."  
  
Ten minutes later, Mario walked down the beach, carrying Peach's umbrella. He wondered as he went about this "condition" Peach supposedly had. He shuddered, and walked on.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
What's happening? What the hell does all this have to do with anything?! Find out in chapter 3! 


	3. A Secret Meeting

Disclaimer: We still don't own any Mario characters. We still aren't getting paid for this.  
  
Dear God, did you HAVE to bring up the damn muffins?! No, you can't have them! If you ask one more time, I swear we'll come to your house and kill you!  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 3  
  
A Secret Meeting  
  
Peach sat at the bar, waiting for the one she loved. She wondered to herself why she was even still living in the same house as Mario. Oh well. The current arrangement would change quite soon.  
  
Heavy footsteps heralded the coming of her secret lover. She turned to face him, and smiled.  
  
"Why, I'm glad to see you, Bowser!" she grinned.  
  
"I'm sorry I'm late, darling," he apologized in his gentle English accent, "but I have such a hard time getting a babysitter. You know how it is when you have kids who eat them."  
  
"Oh, it's all right. I'd wait for an eternity to be with you."  
  
"So would you like to go to the restaurant now, or a movie?"  
  
"Neither," said Peach, "I want to go to.the hotel. I want you. I want all that love stored up in that big shell of yours. I want you to pour it out, all over me. I need you now!"  
  
Bowser tried to contain the excitement growing in his nether regions, which was quite difficult. He realized that he was beginning to lift up the table.  
  
"Ooooh, Bowser, look what you're doing! We'd better hurry, then, before we miss it!"  
  
"Are you sure you can contain it all, my darling Princess Peach?"  
  
"If I can't, there's nothing I'd like more than to die trying," whispered Peach. "Let's go."  
  
So, Bowser and Peach made their way to Sirena Beach, Bowser tried his best with duct tape, to contain his crotch agitation until they got there, but to no avail.  
  
"Look, Mommy, a turtle with a sausage in his pants!" cried a child. The child's mother looked, gasped, and covered the kid's eyes.  
  
Peach and Bowser entered the hotel.  
  
"A room for two, please," said Bowser, "with an extra deluxe king-size super bed!"  
  
The clerk at the desk frowned. "I don't want you two in here any more," he said, "last time you were here, we had Cleaning Ladies cleaning your room with mops for five days! People started throwing up because of the stench!"  
  
"Ooooo," Peach giggled, and smiled at Bowser.  
  
"Yeah, that was a wild night!" laughed Bowser, "But come on! I promise I'll clean it up!"  
  
"You said that last time!" insisted the clerk. "OUT!"  
  
"WHY YOU LITTLE-" Bowser screamed, gutting the clerk with his claws.  
  
"You're so cute when you're angry!" commented Peach.  
  
Bowser reached behind the desk, and retrieved the key of their usual room, as well as the entire cash register.  
  
  
  
*******************  
  
  
  
"That was great, Bowser. Just like always. It's like being buried under a mountain of love, and being caressed by an untidy underground river," sighed Peach.  
  
"It was good for me too," said Bowser, "It's like you're a woman, and a condom, at the same time! Without all the scales and spikes, too! You'd better take a shower, though.you're a bit coated."  
  
"So's the shower stall, dear."  
  
"I don't know, Peach.I don't think we should do this too often. I'm a bit worried about how much I'm widening you out. I swear I heard you flapping in the wind the other day."  
  
"Don't be silly!" said Peach, "I'm like a rubber band! I snap right back!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Sooooo.no comment. 


	4. Mario’s Night Out

We don't own Mario, and SHUT UP ABOUT THE FUCKING MUFFINS! YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THIS MUFFIN AND CRAM IT UP YOUR ASS?! HUH? HUH?!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Mario's Night Out  
  
Mario walked along the beach, feeling quite pretty. Several people stared at him, and one woman hit him with her purse, but he hit her back with his own purse, secure in the knowledge that she was just a stupid bitch, and no one smart would ever notice that he was not a woman.  
  
Just then, he heard the voice.  
  
"How's it goin, pretty lady? Lookin for some fun?"  
  
Mario spun around, to see that a goomba had been standing behind him.  
  
"So, you looking for a good time? I can take you back to my van," crooned the goomba.   
  
"I'm not a woman!" said Mario.  
  
"That doesn't bother me," soothed the goomba.  
  
"Well, I do always like to try new things.."murmured Mario, "and it is rude to just walk out on you.."  
  
Half an hour later, Mario was feeling very sick, and his ass hurt like hell. He wondered bitterly why the goomba had insisted that goombas must always be the ones ramming their dicks up their partner's asses, instead of the other way around.  
  
"That was terrible!" he screamed at the goomba, "And you didn't even let me try it the other way around!"  
  
"It wasn't that great for me, either," bitched the goomba. "You didn't even get into it. You just lay there and screamed, and said stupid things like, 'stop it', and 'get off of me', and 'what are you doing back there?!'."  
  
"I don't need to take this crap from you!" yelled Mario. "I'm gunna kick your ass!"  
  
With that, Mario punted the goomba across the van, into the opposite wall. It fell, stunned, to the floor. He ran up to it, and slammed his foot into its mouth, smashing its teeth back into its throat. The thing gurgled and gagged obnoxiously as Mario twisted his foot back and forth. Mario picked up the goomba, and started trying it the other way around. It screamed in agony around the teeth lodged in its throat, and it slowly suffocated to death, with Mario still in its ass.  
  
"Serves you right." Muttered Mario, redressing himself, and stepping out into the night.  
  
Mario suddenly remembered that he was supposed to be following Peach. He looked at his watch. Damn! 1 o' clock in the morning! He hurried to the bar, hoping they'd still be there.  
  
He walked into the bar. "I'll get that no-good son-of-a-bitch brother of mine," Mario mumbled stupidly. "Damn my ass hurts."  
  
Mario looked around, and didn't see either Peach or Luigi. He limped over to the bar and sat down.  
  
"Did you see a woman in a pink dress, or a guy in green in here at all?" he inquired of the bartender."  
  
"Yeah. They were in here about four hours ago, but they left. Say, you wanna have a good time?"  
  
Mario glared at the bartender.  
  
******************  
  
  
  
Mario sighed contentedly. This time had been much better than with that damn goomba. He glanced over at the bartender, and smiled.  
  
  
  
Ya know, we originally intended for something to happen in this chapter, like Mario catching up with Peach and Bowser. Guess it really says something about us if this happens instead. 


	5. Brotherly Love

No own Mario, no friggin muffin. Bad boy. SIT!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Brotherly Love  
  
Mario knew what he must do. He must go to Luigi's mansion, and kick his ass. As he approached the mansion, he began to hear strange sounds.   
  
"What IS that?!" wondered Mario. He kept moving toward the sounds. They seemed to be coming from a bush. As he parted the branches, he witnessed something that would give even him nightmares for the rest of eternity. There, sprawled on the ground, writhed FLUDD, the Poltergeist 3,000, and Dr. E. Gadd engrossed in a frightening threesome.   
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Mario screamed, dashing for the house. The three never even noticed.  
  
Inside the entrance hall, Luigi met Mario.  
  
"Is this part of some bet you made?" he asked Mario, glancing up and down the now-quite-soiled pink gown.  
  
"Shut up!" Mario said, "Give me some of your clothes!"  
  
"All right,"Luigi said, "but since you're already all dressed up.you wanna have a good time?"  
  
  
  
*************  
  
  
  
Three hours later, the bed stopped squeaking.  
  
"Wow, Mario!" sighed Luigi, "That was the best I ever had"  
  
"Let's watch the sunrise together." Said Mario. "It's so romantic."  
  
And, so they sat, watching the sunrise together.  
  
"WAIT A SECOND!" exclaimed Mario. "Now I remember why I came here! I came here to kick your ass for sleeping with Peach and to steal your clothes!"  
  
Before Luigi knew it, he was on the ground, his head pounding from the blow it had received.   
  
"Mario? What's going on, Mario?" Luigi moaned through his tears.  
  
"I'm doing what I should have done a long time ago!" yelled Mario, kicking Luigi in the gut.  
  
"What do you mean, Mario."cried Luigi. "What is that wrench for, Mario? What are you doing?! Don't do that, Mario! Mario.AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!"  
  
Mario stripped Luigi of his clothes and hid him-it-in the closet before taking a shower.  
  
After changing into Luigi's clothes, and fixing himself some breakfast, Mario sat down to watch some cartoons.  
  
  
  
It'll all come together next chapter. We promise! 


	6. They Finally Fucking Meet Hopefully Not...

I own Mario. Nintendo owns muffins. You own neither.  
  
(Above statement is not true. Nintendo owns Mario, I own you. Muffins own us all.)  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 6  
  
They Finally Fucking Meet. Hopefully Not Literally.  
  
It was 10 o'clock AM, and Mario had just finished his fourth hour of cartoons, and his thirty-seventh bowl of Fatty Lumps Breakfast Cereal. He mumbled the jingle for Fatty Lumps as he wallowed in his own filth.  
  
"Fatty Lumps,  
  
Fatty Lumps,  
  
Oh so good,  
  
You'll think you're eating  
  
Lard soaked wood!"  
  
"Mmmmmm.wood.."whispered Mario, remembering Luigi the night before.  
  
Suddenly, there came a rapping at the door.  
  
"Damn ravens," muttered Mario at the door, a tap tap tapping at the door.  
  
"Go away,  
  
you fucking birds,  
  
tapping at my chamber door.  
  
I will not answer,  
  
go away,  
  
Stop rapping at my chamber door."  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?!" bellowed a deep voice from the other side of the door.  
  
"Hmmm," thought Mario, "ravens don't have deep voices."  
  
He opened the door, and Donkey Kong came in.  
  
"Hey, Luigi! What a second.you're not Luigi! You're Mario!"  
  
"Yeah, all my clothes are dirty," said Mario truthfully.  
  
"Where's Luigi?" asked Donkey Kong.  
  
"I killed him," said Mario truthfully.  
  
"Oh, okay," said Donkey Kong. "I brought some beer. You wanna have a good time?"  
  
"WOULD I?!" exclaimed Mario gleefully.  
  
"Uhhh.yeah.." said Donkey Kong, setting the beer down on the coffee table, "I brought some DVDs. We can watch them.  
  
"Uh.huh."mumbled Mario, confused. He and Donkey Kong sat down, and began watching DVDs and drinking the beer.  
  
"Why are you rubbing up against me like that?" asked Donkey Kong, obviously agitated.  
  
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.  
  
"Hey, let us in!"  
  
"The door's unlocked, dipshit!" replied Mario.  
  
"Oh." said the voice.  
  
In strode Bowser and Peach.  
  
"Hey, Luigi." Peach greeted Mario. "We're going to go to Hawaii to get married in a few days, so can we stay here until our flight? I'm sick of living apart from my Bowsie, especially with that imbecile Mario!"  
  
"Uh oh," groaned Donkey Kong, "Here it comes.."  
  
"WHAT?!" screamed Mario, leaping up to look at them. "YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY THAT FUCKER, AFTER ALL THE TIMES HE'S KIDNAPPED YOU?! AFTER ALL THOSE TIMES I KICKED HIS ASS FOR YOU?!"  
  
"Mario!" cried Peach, "He's a good man, and a great lover! I love him!"  
  
"Great lover?" pondered Mario, intrigued by a new notion.  
  
"You know, Mario," commented Bowser, "I've always loved you as much as I love Peach. That's why I always kidnap her, so, at least for a while, we can all be together."  
  
"And I've always loved peach," said Donkey Kong, "that's why I kidnapped her all those years ago."  
  
"You know," Peach soothed, "I've just gotten a new idea that will make us all happy."  
  
  
  
******************  
  
  
  
"I now pronounce you man, and turtle, and monkey, and wife," said the preacher, "You may now all kiss each other."  
  
And they did. They had a beautiful honeymoon in Hawaii with lots of sex, and all lived happily ever after.  
  
  
  
  
  
Fin.  
  
  
  
Well, looks like there really are happy endings, even in this horrible piece of garbage. And, if any of you are wondering about Luigi, he just continued to rot, until he spontaneously combusted and burned the mansion down.  
  
Please review. 


End file.
